When love is scary: Why some people flee even though they feel
- Apr 27, 2025
- 3 min read
Maybe you know this too:
You meet someone who touches something inside you that has been silent for a long time. It feels like a quiet spell – hope blossoms, dreams awaken. And then, suddenly, that person withdraws. Without explanation. Without clear words. What remains is a feeling of pain and confusion.
What happened?
Why does someone flee when they obviously feel something?
In this article, I want to give you a new understanding: of yourself, of the other person—and of the dynamics behind such situations. No judgment. No sugarcoating. Just true understanding.
The 3-phase model
Phase 1: The Longing
It all starts with a deep desire:
For closeness. For real connection. For someone we can connect with.
In this phase we create inner images:
“When I finally find the right one, I will be happy.”
“When I am finally seen, then I will be safe.”
This longing can be strong – but it alone does not mean a true ability to have a relationship.
As long as love remains only an idea, our fears remain untouched.
Phase 2: The real encounter
And then someone comes into our lives.
Not just any person, but someone who speaks to something essential within us.
Suddenly there are real feelings.
Suddenly, closeness becomes real – not just a beautiful dream.
And with this closeness, old wounds are also touched:
The fear of being hurt. The fear of not being enough.
The memory of old losses, of disappointment, of pain.
Real encounters are a gift – but also a challenge.
She confronts us not only with love, but also with our deepest fears.
Phase 3: The Escape
Sometimes the encounter becomes so intense that it becomes a threat.
Suddenly the feelings are no longer just beautiful, but overwhelming.
Suddenly there is a risk of losing control.
Suddenly it's all about everything.
And then an ancient protective mechanism kicks in:
Create distance.
Stop replying.
Devalue feelings.
Flee.
Important to understand:
Escape does not mean that there are no feelings.
Escape means that the inner capacity to hold these feelings is not (yet) sufficient.
Conclusion
Love is not a fairy tale, but a path.
A path that requires courage. And the ability to endure one's own fears.
It takes two people who know their own pain, who can carry their own shadows.
If someone runs away, it doesn't mean you're wrong.
Not that you were too much or too little.
It is often just that the other person is not (yet) ready.
You are not the reason for the escape.
You were just the mirror in which the other person saw themselves – perhaps for the first time.
How to stay true to yourself when the other person flees:
Maintain your self-worth: You are not worth less just because someone else cannot bear their fears.
Avoid chasing: Love can't be forced. Give the other person the space they need—and yourself the respect you deserve.
Allow yourself to grieve: It's okay to be hurt. Allow yourself to feel. Only then can true healing occur.
Go your own way: Your journey continues. With or without the other person. You are on your path – and it is precious.
Perhaps the greatest proof of love is not to hold on to someone – but to never lose yourself again.
Because true love doesn't mean making you smaller, bending you, or betraying your own truth.
True love begins when you learn to stay true to yourself – with all your feelings, your desires and your limits.
Where you realize: I am allowed to love. And I am allowed to leave when I lose myself.
Someone who truly loves you will not make you give up on yourself.
And you yourself are the most important person who can give you this love again and again.
Stay with yourself.
You are the beginning of everything you seek.
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